- Mood:
Thrilled
In this election year, Australians are faced with a stark choice: Allow unAustralianism to flourish, or take a stand against it before it becomes as prevalent as exposed genitals on a reality television show.
I love Australia: her far horizons, her jeweled sea, the Aussie people, and our Australian way of life. In the past year, I've travelled all over this wide, brown land. I've met a few people, both young and old, and listened to what they had to say. I've seen first-hand the devastation unAustralianism has caused and, frankly, I've had a gutful. The desecration of the Australian Flag was bad enough; imagine if people started burning lamb chops as well.
And unAustralianism played a role in the greatest disaster to befall our nation since tofu: the early retirement of our greatest Olympic swimmer. Is there anything more unAustralian than those gold medal-hungry Yanks, who tried to poison a big-hearted Aussie champion with the lure of Hollywood just to stop him racing? It's like Phar Lap all over again. It's the danger of too much L.A., and not enough L-A-M-B.
Our junket-loving, limousine-riding, oversuperennuated politicians will bombard you with promises in the coming months. But throwing money at the problem is not the answer. We need to throw lamb at it instead. So men and women of Australia, it's time. It's time for the Australia Day Party.
Our multi-prong lamb plan will take tax cuts off the table, and dish out lamb cuts instead. Extradite the terrorists who planned gas attacks on the Aussie cricket team in London, and put their skills to good use filling barbecue gas bottles. They shouldn't mind the odd explosion. Scrap English tests for migrants. Who cares how they use their tongue, as long as they can use their tongs? Speaking of Tests, there's one way to keep The Ashes permanently in Australia: Make our own! The ashes from a good lamb barbie are a lot better than the ones from some pommy's burnt stump anyway.
And reduce global warming by finding alternatives to fossil fuels to fire our barbies. Uranium, for example. Think how many lamb chops a portable nuclear reactor would cook. If the koala-suit-wearing, alfalfa-munching, tree-hugging lobby has a problem with that, they can chain themselves to the nearest plane. I hear North Korea's nice this time of year.
But governments can't stop unAustralianism alone. Our lamb-ward recovery has to start at the grassroots, next to the Hills Hoist, with the Australia Day Party. It's a simple concept: on January 26th, all Australians should gather in backyards all around the nation, throw some lamb chops on the barbie, and hold an Australia Day party of their own.
My fellow Australians, I have a dream that by Australia Day 2007, no Australian child will be living without a nice, juicy lamb chop. And I have a dream that, on Australia Day, mung beans and lamb chops can sit together, side by side, on the same plate, as long as it's not mine. And I have a dream that lamb can unite Australians of all colours and creeds, even sandal-wearing, hairy-legged lentil eaters.
So don't be unAustralian. Vote lamb on Australia Day. You know it makes sense. I'm Sam Kekovich.
Roger Ramjet and his Eagles
